Potlucks are petty

In life, I have encountered many people with phobias and fears. Though my own personal list is not as extensive, my laundry list of fears is still relevant as shit to me lol. Oceans and just about any kind of devilish creatures (most commonly known as insects), top my “oh hell no” list. This is only blog numero dos so allow me to put one thing in perspective early on: when it comes to bugs, I am the biggest candy pants in the land. Oceans are avoidable, but insects I cannot... I will not... Ill scream... or if god forbids it touches me… I will cry. Not just some tears, but more like that crazy half cry, half panicked ugly cry from the TV sitcoms. Eh. Dramatic much? Yep.  Don’t judge me -we don’t do that here right? J

Nevertheless I always default back to my natural plan of action with those hellacious insects, I get my weapons and go to work- luckily it only requires a press of a button and then BOOM all gone! Complete and utter destruction. Who would have known that hair spray, oil sheen or literally anything else in an aerosol can could be so damn effective and require such little work on my behalf; certainly my weapon of choice (insert pat on the back). Oh, wait. Did you all think I was using a fly swatter? The good ole catch and release method? Nope. ** Disclaimer: I apologize in advance to my insect connoisseurs friends, but hey, a girl has to do what a girl has to do. After all, I was never taught the politically correct way to kill an insect. For now, my aerosol sprays get the job done. Sorry. Please do not infiltrate me with bug protest. I really meant no harm.

Aside from devil, bugs you know the one thing that hairspray cannot kill. A workplace potluck ahhhhhhh- I would take the Pacific Ocean and a handful of spiders any day over the pool of germs and awkwardness that company Potlucks breeds. Let’s be real, there is no pleasant way to walk up to a mountain of dishes with people fawning over it like the last limb on the Walking Dead and say to a fellow coworker “Y our food looks like trash” “I refuse to eat that mess’” or “Ewww what’s in this mystery dish”?” Instead, nowadays I conveniently find myself on a diet every single time a potluck rolls around OR I ask God of forgiveness and flat out lie to avoid the pressure of eating mystery meats- So gross.  A few years ago, I literally turned down dry ass looking spaghetti in a plastic ice cream bucket (YES an ice cream bucket). I mean come on, a potluck display and your home display should NOT be one in the same. At least TRY to class it up a bit. Was a basic ass bowl not available? You just had to go for the ice cream tub huh? That was IT for me;  I cannot. Whatever lie you have to tell... tell it, I am sure you will not regret that decision.  

Now allow me to preface my view with this, I totally understand it saves money, I totally understand it is a wide variety of food and snacks and even a useful way to get a department together for a good meal BUT the facts remain, like the movie said, I AM JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU! I am never overly anxious to dive into a gourmet spread of uncertainty and germs. How can something that smells so good, look so bad- oh the trickery in the workplace. Before diving in, be mindful of the contributors. We all know that handful of sketchy ass coworkers that could not serve you food if your life depended on it. Not a cookie, not a salad, not a dessert, NOTHING. Why? Because they are sketchy and sketchy, people must be watched duh.  Would it be asking too much to require a Potluck questioner before you are deemed fit to serve at a public event LOL?  Have any animals? Primarily anything, that can hop on counters. So CATS there I said. Cat owners I know you love your cuddly little creatures of habit but YOU cooking for me is a Simon Cowl kind of NO. Remember that coworker you saw walk out of the stall and toward the exit without washing their hands!? Yea that is another solid NO for me. If you do not do it at work, you surely are not hand washing at home. You can only fool the receptionist not us J

 Over the years, I have become that person. The potluck police as I call it. I patrol for anything unopened or store brought. It is a way to paint the illusion that you are down for this random collection of germs and gossip around the discolored macaroni salad, when in reality, I am only browsing through for things with the Sam’s Club, Kroger, or Walmart labels attached.  

Then last but certainly not least, you have the “touchers”- those are probably the WORST kind of Potluck attendee and THOSE people should be banned from ALL workplace events where food is involved. As if it was not troublesome enough that about 90% of the staff is suspect as hell every other day, now you have to watch to see if these unbothered “touchers” are going to strike again around the potluck table. Like kryptonite with one touch, the end is near LOL UGH. It seems acceptable to say “oh I don’t want to eat anything that’s been touched” although you still get side eye, whispers and probably accusations of being bougie…. Oh well. I will take bougie over salmonella any day. Your belly will thank you later and any public scrutiny that follows, hope they get a splinter in the crack of their ass. Simple right?

Overall, before you get a scoop of Betty’s macaroni and cheese or go in to eat Tina’s mystery dip, just think about it. To leave you with a little rhyme to remember when your boss says its Potluck time….

Just repeat after me a little potluck theater:

Roses are Red and we all need cash,

Do not eat those devil eggs

Put that shit right in the trash J