There is No Fraud in Friendship.

What does it mean to have a friend? Or better yet what does it mean to actually be one. Is it calling every day to check-in? Sending a few random “how are you” updates throughout the year or simply holding the shared bonds and lived experiences together close enough to remain interconnected forever? Believe it or not, much like everything else the guidelines are often null and void. Friendship should have no timeline, no expiration date, and no squeaky-clean road to get there. Though we wish it were possible, not everyone shares in the Zack and AC Slater relationship from Saved by The Bell- sometimes it just isn’t that pretty.  It can be exhausting, it can be tough, it requires work to maintain, and the end result may or may not constitute the means. However, when it’s real, you are willing to go that extra mile. The older we get, it’s not about seeing our friends every day, knowing every weekend plan, or spending an inordinate amount of hours on the phone giggling like you did in adolescence- but OH how I miss those days, don’t we all. Similar to a fine wine or even a jar of good kimchi, the better preserved it is, the more enjoyable it becomes.

Likely one of the most overused and unvalued terms in the English language, the word ‘friendship’ has become rather lackluster in our generation. Am I the only person taught rather young, not everyone is going to be your friend? And when did that become a bad thing to teach? Clearly, somewhere along the lines, the term ‘acquaintance’ warped into something with a negative stink on it and something to be avoided like a slick talker at a mall kiosk. Why do people give a side-eye to facts? Often deemed socially uncomfortable, potentially demeaning or even cold, people seemingly care more about how the word ‘acquaintance’ sounds and the social connotation it carries, rather than accepting it for what it is.

By definition, an acquaintance is “a person whom one knows but who is not a particularly a close friend; a casual acquaintance.” Is that NOT 90% of the people you interact with on a daily basis? For me, friendship is the exception, not the norm. It is totally fine and even healthy to know how to draw lines of distinction. We don’t have to feel uneasy about stating facts. We are grown, right? We can remove the awkwardly forced veil of fakery created to mask the uncertainty of people’s roles in our lives. People break up with their “friends” every day- Diamonds are forever, but sometimes friendships just aren’t- It happens.

As the mother of a toddler, I see that in schools (even at the youngest of ages) all kids are indoctrinated to think every playmate is a ‘friend’ so this process of lumping everyone in as the ‘good guys” starts pretty early on. Nowadays with the creation of an online relationship, we now live in a world where anyone can hold that label and with a click of a button, these acquaintances now feel completely enthralled and entitled to your life. Sounds a bit overthought I’m sure, but when you bring someone into your social media world, they now have access to may’ of the things you hold most near and dear. Have these acquaintances really earned that right? Maybe. Maybe not.   Friendship is not adding that annoying coworker just because they cannot quit egging on the issue. Friendship isn’t “liking” a few statuses out of boredom. People give too much credit to online relationships. You share nothing but the images you upload and the illusion of the person you create on the screen. Likely, these people find you somewhat entertaining, to say the least, but be mindful, unless you work as a court jester; entertainment does not necessarily constitute being liked. Being a fan and being a friend are two different concepts not to be confused as one and the same. Often fans do not push back, but friends always will.  

As a woman blessed tremendously with such an amazing inner circle of strong and capable women, oftentimes I find myself evaluating the relationships of those around me. Similarly to the words love, success, and happiness, friendship is a word that is not easy to define, but easy to recognize. It is a feeling that should be forever unquestioned yet embraced whole heartily and unapologetically. To say that having an expectation of your friends is a bad thing is not only a false narrative but also rather also unreasonable perspective. The key thing to expect is safety. To feel safe in your thoughts, your actions, your dreams, your insecurities, and your fears.

Expectations are a good thing and when you find a person that can equally reciprocate your willingness to be vulnerable and unapologetically yourself, your true self… you win every time.

The most telling characteristic of friendship is not anticipating nor expecting them to live by the same moral code as you. Just because your friends are your friends, you cannot set forth an unreasonable expectation that they will do the same for you, as you will for them; you can only hope. Though there is certainly a psychological component and correlation to friendship and overall wellbeing… I’ll save that for another blog J

Amongst loyalty and comfort lie accountability, without it, nothing meaningful can grow. I don’t know about you all, but a friend that only spews the rhetoric I pander in my own head is not a friend I need. Instead, they act more as an appeaser. You want someone with common goals and a similar destiny but the road taken to get there, completely different. If you only seek out people that look like you, act like you, and think like you, where do you have room to grow?

Many of my friendships began with awkward conversations at a middle school lunch table, or kid talk over tea parties. Never questioning my role or my feelings, as a child, you take comfort in support and laughter. As we mature, those conversations evolve into career advancement, relationships and children, yet the premise never change;  support and laughter still remain the foundation of anything relatively meaningful.  I will end with this,  Ray Waldo Emerson once said, “To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether, by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”

Until next time...